Advice from CvS

Chris von Sneidern answers real questions from real readers. Their names have been withheld to protect their privacy.

Note from the editor: Chris von Sneidern does not give love advice--that is, advice about love of the romantic kind. If you need love advice, I suggest you visit Cary Tennis's excellent column at Salon.

Q: I'm throwing a cocktail party for about 30 people and I'm not sure how much alcohol to get. I've already purchased a large bottle of vodka (1.75 liters), a bottle of rum (1 liter), a bottle of gin (1 liter), and some mixers. I also have three bottles of wine. Is this enough? I don't want to run out!

don't forget the importance of food. sounds like you've got some high-octane fuel for your guests (hard liquor) and therefore need at least some hors d'oeuvres to soak up some of the booze. cheese, bread, sweets. things that don't require plates.

my rule with laying out complimentary bevs is that you take care of people while the party is getting started. once it catches like wildfire, you break out the booze the guests should have been supplying when they arrived. good guests never come empty handed. wine drinkers usually bring wine, since parties rarely have good wine waiting for them.

it looks like you've got plenty for 30 people. however, don't forget extra ice, fruit, napkins, and plastic cups to use once all your stemware is dirtied or destroyed. if you run out of booze, you can send someone to the corner. one drawback to having too much is that there's always one gang that will just STAY and drink until it's finally gone at 4am.

i see you've got no beer. that's OK for a cocktail party that's based around hard liquor, but remember, hard booze is an acquired taste, and some of your inexperienced drinkers might not prefer a cuban libre. I'd leave that up to your guests to decide. (cvs)

Q: Why does my dog Franny get grouchy every night about 8:30 and what can be done about it?

A: dogs like to be taken out on the town. you should take franny out in the car or boat. but do it early in the day, to tire the dog out properly.

franny might also be grouchy because of canine lethargy. some tuesday night, surprise the dog with an early bed. or perhaps try a different tv show.

i must admit that all these years i've never found any one reason in particular why a dog gets grouchy. be patient with franny. (cvs)

Q: Why do women insist that men ask for directions when lost, when they know that men never ask for directions?

A: you are right, men are less inclined to admit they are totally lost. however, as an advice column, I'm not going to give the answer to the problem, only my best solution.

first of all, unless you're flying, bring a map when you travel. personally, I find it very annoying to be a helpless passenger in a lost car. I found myself recently in Spain asking (in english) why didn't we carry a map.

therefore, to ease everyone's misery, my advice is to bring maps and directions.

by the way, are you one of those guys who doesn't like to make unnecessary road stops, while the missus has a quiet freakout, eyeing the gas gauge? (cvs)

Q: My phone cord is hopelessly snarled, even though I use one of those plastic rotating phone cord-detangler things. What's going on?

A: you need to get in the habit of hanging up the phone in the opposite direction of the way you answer it. you'll notice that now, when you pick up the phone, that it makes a whole turn by the time you put it down. get on the phone several times a day and you've got yourself a big mess of tangled wire.

another solution is to unplug one end of the tangled cord and let it unwind itself while hanging in the air.

or get a cordless phone. (cvs)

Q: Do you believe "unrequited" love truly exists? By the nature of the word unrequited, isn't it merely obssesion vs. love?

...And why do male neutered cats insist on humping each other?

A: my advice column isn't for Love Advice.

neutered cats are usually pets of people who aren't ready for the responsibility of pet parenthood. pet owners with those traits usually also over-extend themselves (in their quest for "the answer"), and don't have enough time for their pets. it's just as well they don't become proper pet parents.

but as far as the humping goes, the neglected pet just wants some love. it's known for a fact that with dogs, love equals sex, and with cats, sex equals love. your cat is looking for love.

spend more time at home, and humping will eventually stop. (cvs)

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Updated January 22, 2002.

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