As I am about to embark upon the adventure of my adult living solo experience, I would like to take a few moments to reflect upon some of my favorite roommate-related advice and anecdotes of all time:

Sub-category One: Love and Dating

1. Too Close For Comfort 1995
You must never, ever wish for your roommate to have a happy love life. It will backfire, and sometimes quite unexpectedly. After setting up my roommate with an upstairs neighbor and melancholy art-boy type, they were kind enough to ask me to join them for sex. I didn't stick around to find out if it was a joke. We never mentioned it again, but the last two weeks together were darn uncomfortable.

2. Strange Relations 1996
Do not live your life as a chapter from One Life to Live. My former roommate and I stopped speaking for several months after our lives took a turn for the soap opera. After carrying on an affair with my engaged brother for several months, my roommate decided to stop speaking to me after she thought I slept with some guy she had deflowered during a one-night stand months earlier (I didn't).

3. UnPleasantville 1999
One Sunday afternoon, I settled in for the Starz free preview showing of Pleasantville. Unfortunately, it soon became un-pleasantville (lo siento) as my roommate and her new boyfriend began to compete for the loudest show in the house. It was a close call as things heated up. Volume up. Squeak, squeak. Volume up . . . Okay, you get the idea. At least the boyfriend was embarrassed. Thank heavens for the small things.

Sub-category Two: Materialism and Money

4. The Car-tastrophe 1996
I can thank my old roommate for the gift of demystifying a certain foul four-letter word for me. After attempting to make a stray cat into a house cat, one of our drunken roommates allowed it to escape. Assuming I was the culprit, my evil-Cabbage Patch Doll-resembling roommate woke me up at 3 am by throwing random objects around the apartment. After being locked out of my room, she proceeded to embellish my car with the aforementioned four-letter word. To this day my vehicle can be lovingly referred to as the c***mobile.

5. The Ex-Cheerleader 1999
Settling up leftover bills and debts after you've decided to end the roommate relationship can often lead to a new perspective of your soon-to-be-former roommate. After I decided to move out from one roommate, she decided we needed to "settle up." Although the bills and other items we owed to each other could be called even, she did not agree. She decided to punctuate her points by hysterically hopping up and down while asking for money. You never know when all that school spirit pep will come in handy.

6. The Case of the Disappearing Sustenance 2002
There may be need for a debate on the feasibility and need for roommates to keep an inventory of supplies. This is something that can be argued both ways. For example, say this "hypothetical situation" is true:

After planning to make a long-anticipated homemade egg-stravaganza of hard-boiled eggs, I discovered only one egg remained of the six I had left. When I asked my roomie what happened, he said I had told him to use them. When I reminded him that he had asked for an English m-u-f-f-i-n, not an e-g-g, he admitted to taking two eggs. When I mentioned that at least 5 were missing, he suddenly "remembered" dropping a third egg. 'Cause he didn't eat it, it doesn't count, right? Now I wonder what the heck happened to those other two . . .

Now, if one keeps an inventory of every slice of bread used, of every ounce of milk, of the number of tissues left in the box, one is then able to monitor the theft of such items by any diabolical roommate forces at work. Had I instituted a policy of egg-consumption tracking, I would have been able to prove with certainty that my two eggs were most cruelly snatched from my boiling pot. But no, there are those who would accuse me of mental instability, of neurosis, of too much drug use. But the truth as I see it is this: if I inventory to catch my roommate, what's to stop my roommate from inventorying and catching me?

Sub-category Three: Safety and Health

7. Creepy Coke Fiend 2002
One should beware of any new roommate, particularly those who drink Coca-Cola in excess of 80 fluid ounces per day. The amount of caffeine alone should concern most roommates. My most recent roomie (and Coca-Cola junkie) informed me that he knew the location of a party his girlfriend (and soon to be ex) was going to (without him) because he had placed a monitoring program on her computer. This program allowed him to see the addresses she looked up on www.mapquest.com, as well as acquire her passwords for various accounts. Is it possible that too much Coca-Cola alters brain activity to the point where this is acceptable behavior? Honestly, I have no idea, but don't worry, I checked my room for hidden cameras!

8. The Stealth Smoker 2002
When one deals with any roommate situation, it is always best to start out lying. When looking for a roommate, definitely say you are a non-smoker. Or that you don't smoke inside. Ever. It doesn't count if you smoke while your roommate is sleeping, or if you think about opening the window for ventilation. If your roommate asks about the old rancid smoke smell, invent a story: "I figured it out! There's a guy that always stands directly under my window and smokes a cigar. I'll just have to remember to shut the window." Don't worry--your roommate will never question you. Not even if smoke comes out of the HVAC system vents. That's normal. And you can leave pop cans out to use as ashtrays. If you ash in a non-ashtray, it doesn't count as smoking! If your roommate asks you to stop "no-smoking" smoking in the apartment, answer earnestly that you will. Then make no effort to stop. Hell, smoke more!

As I look back fondly over this list, I can easily enjoy a future with the companionship of those completely dependent on me for love and excitement, my cats.

Caterina Costanzo

October 4, 2002